The Last Day of the Year

Billy the Kim Jong-il and Tranny Lo are sitting in a cubicle writing test cases on an Etch-a-Sketch.  Suddenly, a loud screech is heard from the other side of the room.  “It’s Godzilla”, yells Tranny.  “Let’s get out of here”, responds Billy.  Tranny runs over to Reno’s cube to warn him.  Oblivious to all of the mayhem around him, Reno tries to make a magnet stick to his forehead.  “Huh, it worked before,” Reno mutters to himself.  Tranny gives up and runs towards the exit with Billy.  At the doorway, Tranny and Billy meet The General, who is a five star manager.  “Where are you two boys heading off to?” he asks.  “Godzilla is attacking us…we have to escape,” says Tranny.  The General responds, “Well, I don’t take too kindly to yellow-bellied testers.”  “No sir, I am sure you don’t, but what do we do?” asks Billy.

The General is a tall, lanky man with dark bushy hair and a moustache.  He wears an authentic American Civil War uniform, but the top coat is Union and the pants are Confederate.  “I am a Yankee soldier with sympathetic tendencies towards the Southern cause”, he explains.  “It’s time to relive Pickett’s Charge, gentlemen!” he yells.  Just then Godzilla sees them.  It starts to run towards them.  The General, Tranny, and Billy charge back.  A nasty ruckus ensues followed by stillness and the faint yet creepy sound of a magnet hitting the skin of a human forehead.  Happy New Year!

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The Twelve Days of Potluck

To get into the spirit of Christmas, the QA team decided to celebrate the Twelve Days of Potluck. For each of the dozen days that lead up to Christmas, each person is asked to bring in a food item to share with the rest of the team.  Bob is the new QA guy.  Everything he brings in gets resoundingly rejected by his peers for one reason or another. Bob kept the following daily record of his experiences:

1. Hamburgers (eating beef is forbidden by some people on my team due to their religious beliefs)

2. Pork chops (eating pork is forbidden by some other members on my team because they follow a different religion or two)

3. Spicy chicken wings (no meat at all…the vegetarians really got pissed at me when I served the wings in a human skull while dressed in my leather jacket and snakeskin boots)

4. Cheese cake covered in honey (no eggs/cheese/honey…what the hell is a vegan anyway?)

5. Spaghetti (the Atkins fanatics complained about too many carbs…a diet that borderlines a cult…and why are most them missing a finger or two?)

6. Peanuts (a violent allergic reaction for one person…I hope Flanders will be alright)

7. Ice cream (lactose intolerant for another…Peggy bloated like that three day old dead beaver I saw floating near the sewer plant by my house a few weeks ago.  I made a hat out that thing—Peggy, not the beaver.)

8. Tea and coffee (no caffeine…some for religious beliefs and others for health reasons. Whatever the motive though, they all seem so laconic and irritable all the time.)

9. Diet soda (one person alluded to the studies that link high doses of artificial sweeteners to cancer, bowel bleeding, and impotency…again, I hope Flanders will be alright)

10. Vegetables (non-organic…some eat organic only.  Seriously, who is going to tell the difference?)

11. Organic cherries (I couldn’t afford them because I refused to give my personal information to the cashier in order to qualify for a store membership discount card.  Why do they need to know my sexual orientation when it comes to buying food at a sale price?)

12. ???

On the twelfth day Bob didn’t know what to get.  He walked down the street hoping to find a store that sold something that everyone on his team could eat at the potluck.  He had one chance left.  He mumbled to himself, “What can I find that is organic, meatless, cheese-less, egg-less, honey-less, and non-allergenic without all the carbohydrates, fats, caffeine, lactose, sugars, and chemicals and is prepared in such a way that doesn’t offend anyone?  Is there such a thing?”  As he turned the corner, he nearly stepped in a freshly laid pile of steaming dog poop.  Suddenly, Bob had an idea.

The End

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Sometimes Faster is Not So Gooder

When our company was founded, we set out to build the speediest product on earth.  It was very hard in beginning because of the difficult trials we faced both technically and financially. Still we persevered to become a hugely profitable company when our product finally reached light speed.  We were the fastest, richest company on earth.

But you bastards couldn’t leave well enough alone could you?  Some jackass in testing said that we should push the limit beyond light speed.   Am I right, John?  You said, “More speed means more profit.”  I was on vacation at the time so I couldn’t rebuke you.  Management forced my engineers to do the impossible by exceeding the speed of light.  Surprisingly, they met the challenge, but at a terrible cost.  Our product started to reverse time.  We didn’t know how to stop it.  I guess your test team missed that use case scenario, huh John? Our company started to lose money again.  We went bankrupt and the universe was destroyed all thanks to John and his box of rocks test team.

“…is very simple to do.  I start with the joke line and write backwards.”

Nipsey Russel

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Peewee Takes the Dodge Out of Ball

Burt is a talented tester who lacks respect from his peers.  Cliff is his manager.  Burt wants to quit, but Cliff tries to convince him otherwise by telling a story from his childhood.

[CLIFF]:  We played dodgeball the old school way – anything goes except for head shots.

Cliff motions to Burt to sit down on the floor in his cube.

[CLIFF]:  I remember the two most popular kids in my elementary school, Kirk and Eric – two lads of Norwegian stock – who were always the ones picked first.  They threw the ball so damn hard that red rubber turned into some kind of crazy meteorite of fire and stone.  Everyone was afraid of Kirk and Eric except for the unpopular, flat-nosed Peewee.  He didn’t give a damn.  He didn’t dodge either.  I guess nobody told him the name of the game, but that’s what I don’t understand.

[BURT]:  What don’t you understand?

[CLIFF]:  Why flat-nosed Peewee was always one of the last to be picked for a team.

[BURT]:  Who were the others?

[CLIFF]:  Well, there was Peewee, a mannequin, and me…

[BURT]:  In that order?

[CLIFF]:  Yes.

[BURT]:  I still don’t understand.  What was so special about Peewee?  What does that have to do with me?

[CLIFF]:  He caught the ball more often than not and when he did his teammates gave him congratulatory hugs and patted him on the back.  For one brief moment, Peewee experienced respect – but that all went away when the game ended.  Peewee never got a break.

[BURT]:  So what are you saying?

[CLIFF]:  Peewee saved the day more often than not, but he never got the respect he deserved.

[BURT]:  Like me?

[CLIFF]:  Like you.

[BURT]:  I believe I understand you now.  I’m the Peewee in this story.  I should stand steadfast and fearless, I should never dodge, and I should never expect respect no matter how well I do.

[CLIFF]:  No, you’re missing the entire point of my story.

[BURT]:  Ok, what’s your point?

[CLIFF]:  As a tester, always go for the head shot!

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