Talky’s Promotion

INT. COMPUTER LAB -- DAY

Talky and his manager meet to do Talky’s performance review. The manager is very happy to have Talky on his team. He tells him how he appreciates Talky taking ownership of the lab especially after his previous supervisor unexpectedly left due to last year’s ‘time to cut the grass’ mass layoffs of old employees at the company.

The manager gives Talky a copy of his review letter then walks out of the lab. Talky reads the letter.

TALKY

I can’t believe it. He gives me a -0.098 percent raise. Is that even possible?

Suddenly a mysterious woman appears.

WOMAN

Hi Talky.

TALKY

Who are you?

WOMAN

That’s doesn’t really matter. It’s you that I’m here for.

TALKY

Well, whoever you are quit standing inside the fire extinguisher tape.

WOMAN

Sorry.

Mystery woman steps away from the tape.

WOMAN

Can you stop by here tomorrow exactly the same time?

TALKY

Sure. Why?

WOMAN

I’ll get you that raise and promotion you deserve.

TALKY

Can you do that?

WOMAN

Just be here tomorrow, OK?

TALKY

Yes.

INT. COMPUTER LAB -- NEXT DAY

Talky eagerly shows up on time. His manager walks in just like before and says the same thing. He gives Talky his review letter and walks out. This time Talky’s hands are shaking as he starts to read it.

TALKY

Yay ... promoted with a 20 percent salary bump!

Suddenly there is a huge explosion. The lab is engulfed in flames. Then another explosion and another and another and ...

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Source

When old dogs don’t learn new tricks, they get put to sleep.  This is probably the best career advice I can give you.  Put these words on your t-shirts, bumper stickers, and bum tattoos.

As our careers gracefully mature like a fine wine and French cheese, intoxicating but smelly (the French), we naturally tend to put our emphasis on work experience rather than formal education.  If I already have a degree and I’m working, then why do I need to go back to school?  Good question.

A few months ago I decided to pursue a certification in CompTIA Security+.   For security, there are many kinds of certifications, including CISSP.   I know that there are some of you out there who think that these kinds of  certifications are big waste of time and money, but I also know of many companies and government agencies that require them for hiring.  Let me highlight the advantages:

  • It’s a requirement.  Your job opportunities have now expanded.
  • You will learn something new.  How bad can that be?
  • It’s a kind of proof to show that you have a least baseline knowledge of security.  It doesn’t mean that you’re an expert, but at least it’s a verifiable way that you studied computer security fundamentals or a least that you’re a good test taker.
  • You can use your certifications to cover the drunk-punch-holes in the walls of your trailer.

The economy is getting so bad these days that even McDonald’s has downsized its Supersize meals (comedic drum roll).  Companies have modified Tuckerman’s stages of group development of forming, storming, and norming to forming, storming, and reorging (comedic drum roll).  You feel helpless as management passes you around like a pack of cigarettes in prison.  For some, this may not be a bad thing, but for others, think of these certifications as tiny little picks that will help you tunnel your way through the walls of your cubicle to freedom.  I will let you know how it goes.

Finally, if you are an old dog and you can’t learn new tricks, then you should retire immediately.

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How Do You Say French in Lobster?

When a lobster dies, it usually dies because of an external cause, not because of age.  A lobster will never show signs of getting old.  It doesn’t lose drive, its metabolism never changes, and it can mate forever.  The bigger the lobster, the older it is.  Each lobster has perfected itself to live forever.  We perfected each lobster by boiling it alive and eating it with lots of butter.

A French restaurateur, Jean Sulpice, once said that lobsters are like people.  They have facial features similar to humans and they both taste delicious served as bisque. Any savvy French manager knows that even though lobsters actually feel pain, they can’t scream when being boiled because they have no vocal chords.  I know this to be true firsthand, but can’t talk about it for fear of the career guillotine.

 

Photo Source

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Dale Drills Hidey-Holes in the Cubes

Source:  Wikipedia

Dale Cull is back working on cubicles.  HR had to let him go.

[TESTER]:  Dale, what is a hidey-hole cube layout?

[DALE CULL]:  I arrange all of the cubes into a perfect circle.

[TESTER]:  Why a circle, Dale?

[DALE CULL]:  So I can drill holes in the walls.

[TESTER]:  Why the holes, Dale?

[DALE CULL]:  I call them hidey-holes.  You can put your junk in them.

[TESTER]:  How do I get my junk back?

[DALE CULL]:  You have to reach around.

[TESTER]:  Thank you, Dale.

[DALE CULL]:  You’re welcome.

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Source:  WorkVitamins

If I was ever to write a book, it wouldn’t about things like test driven development, design for test, or agile programming.  While those approaches are proven and practiced by many test development teams throughout the world, they have never existed in my world.  For me, I will write about the real world of testing.  I will write about the mouse traps in the hallways, the holes in the cubicle walls, and the smells in the elevators.  I will write about the empire builders, pretty mouths, and the wet willies.  I will write about the black bird that yells KAWK at me every morning from atop the office building, the Quaker who stands outside my bedroom window every night, and the half-blind 3D movie tester.

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