Mahmoud, the developer, talks to Steve, the tester, about Steve Jobs’ perspective on quality.

                          

Originally published September 20, 2009

The engineering team is having a tough time finding a qualified candidate for an open test position in the group.  The project’s deadline is looming.  The test engineering manager, Nikola, is getting fearful that no one will be found, but he isn’t willing to sacrifice quality for someone who doesn’t possess the skills and expertise needed for the position.  Nikola is an engineer and, like most engineers, he prefers to solve his problems using logic and reason.

Ms. Amy Thunders-Lowell-Murkowski-Smith-Jones is the head of human resources (HR).  She comes from a long line of HR people in her family.  She loves her job.  It is in her blood.  It is in her chromosomes.  It is in her DNA. It is in her resume. HR people don’t think like engineers.  She sees Nikola in the hallway.  She has good news for him.

[AMY]:  Oh, Nikola.  We finally found a hire for that open position in your test group.

[NIKOLA]:  Really?

[AMY]:  Yes, and he has already accepted our offer.

[NIKOLA]:  That’s great, but I didn’t get a chance to interview him, did I?

[AMY]:  Don’t worry about it, Nikola.  His profile is a perfect match.  He’s in my office right now signing paperwork.  Come, let’s go meet him.

Amy and Nikola take the elevator to the luxurious HR office on the penthouse floor.

[AMY]:  Nikola, I want you to meet Robby.  Robby, this is Nikola.  He is going to be your manager.

[NIKOLA]:  Hi, Robby.  It’s a pleasure to meet you.

[ROBBY]: Hi, Nikola.  I’m so happy to be here.  Thank you for the opportunity.  You won’t regret it.

[NIKOLA]:  Amy, can I talk to you for a moment outside?

[AMY]:  Of course, please excuse us, Robby.

[ROBBY]:  Yes, please…

Amy and Nikola walk outside to the penthouse balcony.  There is a spectacular view of the river.  Across from it though is an abandoned, two hundred year old cemetery with an old van parked nearby.

[NIKOLA]:  Amy, what is wrong with Robby?  He stinks.  Is he sick or something?

[AMY]:  He’s dead, Nikola.  He’s a zombie and he’s dead.

[NIKOLA]:  There are no such things as zombies.

[AMY]:  Oh, yes there are, Nikola.  Lots of them and Robby is one.  You’re going to have to learn to accept him for who he is.

[NIKOLA]:  Yes, but he’s dead.

[AMY]:  I know that he’s dead.  That’s why he’s is classified as a zombie.

[NIKOLA]:  I don’t that think having a dead guy around the test lab is going to do much for our productivity.

[AMY]:  Do I sense a bit of necrophobia, Nikola? We don’t tolerate that kind of behavior around here.  We pride ourselves on the rich diversity of this company.  You should too if you know what’s good for you?

[NIKOLA]:  Yes, of course I do, but I feel a bit queasy working around a dead guy.  I hope you’re not doing this to satisfy some silly demographic quota.  I need a person who is qualified to do the job, not just a warm…uh…or in this case…a cold body.

[AMY]:  Nikola, what are you talking about?  It’s only a test position.  I can hire a monkey to do your job.

[NIKOLA]:  That’s not fair, Amy.

[AMY]:  Nothing is fair, Nikola, but that’s why I’m in HR.  I’m the cape crusader for cadavers.  For years, people have been stepping on dead people, like Robby. I’m here to change that.

[NIKOLA]:  Of course, they’ve been stepping on Robby because he was buried in a grave six feet under.

[AMY]:  That’s not funny.  You will show Robby respect.  You can start by escorting him to his desk. We can talk about this matter later, Nikola.

Nikola and Robby take the elevator down to Robby’s new cubicle.

[ROBBY]:  I really appreciate you guys setting up my cube all dark, damp, and dreary.  Just the way I like it.

[NIKOLA]:  We didn’t do anything special, Robby.  That’s how all of the cubes are around here.  Robby, I want you to start learning about what you need to test.  I will check back later to see how you are doing.

[ROBBY]:  Thanks, Nikola.

The morning passes. Nikola returns to Robby’s cube to find him hunched over sleeping.

[NIKOLA]:  Robby, wake up!

[ROBBY]:  Huh?

[NIKOLA]:  What are you doing sleeping?  This is a workplace.  You can get fired for it.

[ROBBY]:  I’m really sorry, Nikola.  I get these sleep attacks a couple times a day, usually once in the morning and once in the afternoon right after lunch.  They can last up to eight hours.  I have a medical condition called narcolepsy.  Have you heard of it?

[NIKOLA]:  Yes, it’s a chronic sleep disorder.

[ROBBY]:  I told HR about it before I started working here.  They were very kind and gave me a waiver for it.  It’s all good.  They can’t fire me for sleeping on the job.

[NIKOLA]:  Are you taking any medication for it?

[ROBBY]:  Yes.  I’m allowed to ingest small doses of methamphetamines.  It’s all part of the new state medical meth law. I guess that’s why my teeth are really bad now, but at least they match my rotting body.

[NIKOLA]:  Robby, I really need someone who can stay awake on the job.

[ROBBY]:  I know, Nikola.  I’m trying hard.  My parapsychologist told me that my narcolepsy is not caused by a medical condition, but it’s a side-effect of my lifestyle.

[NIKOLA]:  What do you mean?

[ROBBY]:  I like staying up late at night partying with all of my dead girlfriends.  I suppose it’s because I’m so scandalously good looking. They say that I look like Elvis now.

[NIKOLA]:  So what you’re telling me Robby is that you are a naughty, narcissistic, narcoleptic tester?

[ROBBY]:  Add neurotic to the mix and I think you have all of the N’s covered.  Seriously, though, it’s all about nutrition, eating smaller portions, and getting plenty of rest. I believe that it was the thespian Travolta who offered us these great pearls of wisdom.

[NIKOLA]:  Whatever.  I came here for another reason.  As a matter of tradition, our group would like to take you out for a welcome lunch.  There’s a new Thai restaurant close to here.  I forgot the name.

[ROBBY]:  Is it Thai Let?

[NIKOLA]:  Yes.  That’s the place.  Let’s head out.

[ROBBY]:  Oh, thank you so much for inviting me, Nikola, but I have to respectfully decline your invitation.  You see, my dietary needs are a bit different than yours.  I can’t eat food that has been killed.

[NIKOLA]:  Oh, you are a vegetarian or vegan?

[ROBBY]:  No.  I can only food that is still alive.  I brought my own lunch.  It’s in my van across the river next to the old cemetery.

The next day Nikola arrives to work only to see that his reserved parking spot has been replaced with a dark gray sign with the words “Designated Zombie Parking Only.  Violators will be persecuted”.  Nikola is suddenly cut-off by Robby who takes his space.

[ROBBY]:  Hi, Nikola.  Top of the morn to you, cock-a-doodle-do!

[NIKOLA]:  Good morning, Nikola.  What’s going on with the parking spaces?  This is my spot.

[ROBBY]:  I’m sorry, Nikola.  I had to complain.  HR tried to give me a blue handicap parking space, but I protested.  I’m dead, not disabled.  They’re not the same.  Occasionally, I may lose a limb or two, but they always seem to find their back to me before dawn.  So HR commandeered your parking spot here for me.  Thanks for being such a good sport about it.

For the next two days, Robby doesn’t show up for work.  Nikola goes to HR to complain.

[NIKOLA]:  Amy, Robby hasn’t come to work for two days.  I haven’t heard from him.

[AMY]:  Oh, I’m sorry Nikola.  I meant to tell you that Robby has been feeling very well for the last few days, so he won’t be making it to work until he gets sicker again.  Humans get sick days and zombies get well days.  It’s our new HR policy.

A few more days pass when Robby finally shows up for work.

[NIKOLA]:  Nice, to see you back to work, Robby.  Are you feeling worse?

[ROBBY]:  Yes, I am.  Thanks for asking, Nikola.

[NIKOLA]:  Robby, are you going to be able to finish those tests in time?

[ROBBY]:  No.  I’m taking a bereavement leave of absence starting today.  The company allows me up to four weeks off, you know.

[NIKOLA]:  I’m really sorry, Robby.  Did someone close to you die?

[ROBBY]:  Yes, me.

Robby begins to chuckle.

[ROBBY]:   A curious little loophole, I guess.  I died so now I can bereave about it.  See you when I get back, Nikola. I’m going on vacation.  I’m heading down to Tombstone, Arizona to do some sightseeing.

[NIKOLA]:  What about the tests?

[ROBBY]:  Sorry, I can’t be your huckleberry this time.  I will send you a postcard.

Robby never comes back to work and the project is delayed.  Eventually, it is finally scrapped.  Nikola is summons to HR to be reprimanded by Amy.

[AMY]:  Nikola, we are very disappointed in you. I don’t have to tell you how critical this project was for our company.  You failed us.

[NIKOLA]:  I realize that, but you wouldn’t let me find a replacement for Robby.  We couldn’t get the product tested in time so we lost the contract.

[AMY]:  You know, Nikola, I don’t think Robby was the problem.  I think you’re the problem.  Nikola, I always talk about being open and accepting to other kinds, but there is one kind of person I truly despise and that is a Neanderthal.

[NIKOLA]:  What are you talking about?

[AMY]:  Nikola, do you know what the ‘H’ stands for in HR?

[NIKOLA]:  Human?

[AMY]:  Wrong!  It stands for Homo sapiens.  We thought that we got rid of you Neanderthals a long time ago, but here one stands before my very own eyes.

[NIKOLA]:  I have no idea what you are talking about.

[AMY]:  HR is the oldest, most covert of all secret societies in the world.  Our job in HR is to ensure that your kind no longer breeds, Nikola.  We do this by taking away your job, your paycheck, your benefits, and ultimately your very livelihood.

[NIKOLA]:  I thought that you were all about diversity and inclusion.

[AMY]:  We are, Nikola.  That’s why we don’t want you around us anymore.  You’re fired.

[NIKOLA]:  You can’t do this.  You should focus on keeping the best talent around for the success of the company.  I’m the epitome of that talent.

[AMY]:  Our charter is to be an equal opportunity employer, Nikola.  It doesn’t say anything about talent or success.  Nikola, the only difference between you and Robby is that Robby already realizes he’s dead.  You, sir, are a dead man walking, but you don’t want to admit it.   Now go, clear out your desk and leave.

The company is eventually taken over by zombies.  The office building is abandoned now, but it stands as a reminder for the rest of us that you are better off dead if you want to keep your job.

                          

Tester Lisa files a bug too.

Developer Bob reviews Dave’s bug.

Developer Cheryl reviews Lisa’s bug.

Developer Bob reviews Lisa’s bug and marks it as a duplicate of Dave’s bug.

Developer Cheryl review’s Dave’s bug and marks it as a duplicate of Lisa’s bug.

Tester John steps on his own face.

                          

Steve Parity is a contractor who was hired to develop tests for a high tech company.  Today is his first day on the job.  Contractors don’t enjoy the same privileges as full time employees.  The validation manager is talking to her team in the test lab.

[MANAGER]:  We need to write 10,000 test cases by the end of the week.  I won’t accept anything less from the team.

[TESTER 1]:  I’m not one to make comments from the peanut gallery, but why 10,000 test cases?

[TESTER 2]:  Yeah, where did that number come from?

[TESTER 3]:  This is bullshit!

[MANAGER]:  I know that it is a stretch, but I did get some extra help.  Everybody, I want you to meet Steve Parity.  Steve is a contractor who will help us write the test cases.

[STEVE]:  Hi all.

[TESTER 1]:  He’s a greenie-weenie!

Everybody at the company wears a badge to identify themselves.  Contractors wear green badges.

[TESTER 3]:  Does it fetch coffee and donuts?

[MANAGER]:  Knock it off.  Treat Steve with respect.  He is here to help us reach our goal.

[TESTER 2]:  She’s right.  We all need to work together to get the job done.

[TESTER 3]:  We are a team, damn it!

[EVERYONE]:  One for all and all for one!  Hoorah!

[MANAGER]:  I promise that if you finish the 10,000 test cases on time, I will buy t-shirts for every non-green badge tester on our team.

Everybody but Steve cheers.

[MANAGER]:  Oops.  I’m late for a meeting.  Don’t forget about our morale team building event this afternoon.  We’re going white water rafting.

[STEVE]:  That’s sounds really cool.  Can I go?

[MANAGER]:  Sorry, Steve.  Contractors are not allowed to participate in company activities due to insurance liability risks.  You just concentrate on writing those test cases.

[STEVE]:  Ok.  I understand.

[MANAGER]:  Alright everyone – let’s get to work.

The manager hurries off. 

[TESTER 1]:  Man, we have a lot of work to do.

[TESTER 3]:  Does anyone want to get a pop with me?  I’m going to the cafeteria.

[TESTER 2]:  It’s Earl Grey tea for me, Limey.

[TESTER 1]:  What kind of fruit do they have today?

[TESTER 2]:  Who cares?  It’s all free anyway.

[STEVE]:  Free.  Can I go with you guys?  I haven’t eaten breakfast yet.

[TESTER 1]:  Sorry, free for us, but not for greenie-weenies such as yourself.

[STEVE]:  Really?

[TESTER 2]:  Don’t fret greenie – they might keep a vat of smelly durian around just for your kind.

[TESTER 3]:  Or jack-arse fruit…

Everybody but Steve laughs.

[TESTER 1]:  You better start on those test cases.

[TESTER 2]:  Yeah, the manager promised us that we get free t-shirts if we finish them on time.  I’m not going shirtless because of some greenie-weenie not doing his job.

The testers mock Steve as they head off to the cafeteria.  Steve starts working on the test cases.  He doesn’t see the other testers for the rest of the day.  The next day arrives.

[MANAGER]:  It looks like you will be working alone today, Steve.

[STEVE]:  What’s wrong?

[MANAGER]:  Everybody called in sick.  They ate too many donuts after white water rafting yesterday.  Fortunately, I don’t like donuts.  Just keep doing what you are doing.  I have a management training workshop today.  I will try to catch up with you later.

The next day arrives.  The manager has the day off and the other testers are off playing ping pong and foosball.  All day Steve works by himself.  The next day arrives.

[MANAGER]:  Hi Steve.

[STEVE]:  Where is everyone?

[MANAGER]:  The suits from corporate headquarters are here today.  They are gathering everyone to meet in the main conference room to make a big announcement.  I think it has to do with the product that we are working on.  I’m very optimistic about our future, Steve.  If you play your cards right this week, I’m sure that we will have plenty of work for you for the rest of the year.  There might even be a job offer for a permanent position, but I can’t promise you that right now.

[STEVE]:  Wow that sounds exciting.  Can I go?  I want to get more involved with the company.

[MANAGER]:  Sorry, Steve, no contractors are allowed.  Just finish those test cases – it’s my number one priority for the team this week.

[STEVE]:  I’m on it.

The entire day passes and Steve doesn’t see anyone.  Uninterrupted for the past several days, Steve has made more progress than all of the other testers combined.  In fact, he has done all of the work by himself.  He is nearly finished.  The next day arrives.  The parking lot is vacant.  Even the security guards are nowhere to be seen.  Steve walks to the lab.  It’s empty.  He starts to write the final test cases.  Several hours pass and still no one arrives.  He begins to think that it is a holiday or something.  He finishes the last test case.  He gives himself a self-congratulatory pat on the back.  Just then a distinguished man in a suit walks into the lab and approaches him.  The man is wearing a gold badge surrounded by diamonds.

[RAO]:  Hi Steve.

[STEVE]:  Who are you?

[RAO]:  My name is Rao Rammstein.  I’m the chairman of the board of directors for this corporation.  Do you need a cup of coffee or something?  We need to talk.

Steve and Rao walk together to the cafeteria. 

[STEVE]:  Where did everybody go?

[RAO]:  We had to let them go.

[STEVE]:  Why?

[RAO]:  The company is losing money hand over fist.  We had to make drastic cuts.  Everybody got axed yesterday except for you, Steve.

[STEVE]:   What do you want from me?

[RAO]:  We still have a viable product, that’s why we retained you.  I know that you are an achiever.  You proved yourself by completing those 10,000 test cases in short order. As a result, you know our product better than anyone else – both good and bad.  We need you to move the company forward.

[STEVE]:  So I get to keep my job?

[RAO]:  Yes and there is a promotion.

[STEVE]:  What kind of promotion?

[RAO]:  You are now CEO of the company.

Steve is ecstatic.  He can’t help himself.  He reaches for a free apple. 

[STEVE]:  Does this mean I get massive stock options, free insurances, lifetime retirement benefits, a corporate jet, a private parking space, and a golden parachute?  Mr. Rammstein, does this mean that I finally get the respect I deserve?

[RAO]:  Of course not, Steve.  You are a contractor.  Put the apple back, greenie-weenie!

                          

 
Mahmoud, the developer, wants Steve, the tester, to do some penetration testing.

                          

Reno is worried about his job.  It’s the end of the year and the performance reviews are due soon.  Reno needs to submit a “brag sheet” for all of his accomplishments.  Too bad he doesn’t have any.

[RENO]:  Yo, Bro, I need your help.

[JOHN]:  I’m busy.  Leave me alone.

[RENO]:  Come on!  I need your technological expertise in writing.

[JOHN]:  Just focus on the good things that you did last year and nothing else matters.

[RENO]:  That’s the problem.  I can’t think of anything.

[JOHN]:  Well, we don’t call you King Nothing for nothing around here.

[RENO]:  They’re going to let me go if I don’t get good marks.

[JOHN]:  Sad but true.  It’s the end of the line for you.

[RENO]:  Come on.

[JOHN]:  Ok.  You still have a few weeks to get something meaningful done.

[RENO]:  Yeah, but there aren’t any interesting projects.  Management decides that for me anyways.

[JOHN]:  How about doing some outside volunteer work then?  It’s good for the company’s image.

[RENO]:  Huh.

[JOHN]:  The best part is that you can do it during normal working hours and still get paid as usual.

[RENO]:  Huh.

[JOHN]:  Just find a charity that you want to do work for then let our manager know about it.  He really can’t say no.  It will make him look bad, if you get my drift.

A year goes by and no one sees Reno at work.  It’s business as usual.  John bumps into Reno at an Arby’s restaurant.  Reno is donning a headband and holding a mood enhancing Arby’s Roast Beef sandwich – always slow roasted for three hours and served freshly sliced and piled high to roast beef perfection.

[RENO]:  Yo, Bro.  I want to thank you for giving me that volunteering advice.  It got me rich.

[JOHN]:  What do you mean?

[RENO]:  At first, I did volunteer work at the shelter.  It was cool, but a lot of work.  Still it was better than being at work so I did that every day.  Then I met this banker online during a World of Warcraft (WoW) marathon session last summer.  He said that I should set up my own charity.

[JOHN]:  I’m not sure if I follow.

[RENO]:  I created the Cliff Burton Memorial Foundation where underprivileged kids can come to my home and watch me play WoW.  It keeps them busy and off the street.  They fetch me food and drinks while I play online.

[JOHN]:  Seriously?

[RENO]:  The cool thing is that I still get my regular paycheck because I’m doing volunteer work except now it’s at my home playing WoW.  I also get to keep any donation money and matching funds from the company.  What’s really cool is that my computer gaming equipment, like the joy sticks and NAS, are all tax deductible.  Sweeeet!

[JOHN]:  I don’t think what you are doing is legit.

[RENO]:  It is, Bro.  In fact, the government is so proud of my charity work that they’re going to add my face on Mount Rushmore.

[JOHN]:  Huh.

                          

[MANAGER]:  Welcome aboard.  Let me introduce you to the validation team.

The manager and new hire walk to the validation lab.

[MANAGER]:  This is Aiko.  She does the black box testing.

[AIKO]:  Nice to meet you.

[NEW GUY]:  Black box tester, heh?   猿も木から落ちる.

The two bust out laughing together

[MANAGER]:  And this is Horatius.  He does the white box testing.

[HORATIUS]:  You can call me either Horace or Ace for short.

[NEW GUY]:  Just as long as I don’t call you Hor.  Ha ha…

No laughter

[MANAGER]:  Now that you know the team, you will be responsible for the gray box testing.

[NEW GUY]:  Is that the British grey or American gray?

[MANAGER]:  I don’t understand your question.

[NEW GUY]:  Never mind.  Where do I start?

[MANAGER]:  I think you should start by writing a test plan.

[NEW GUY]:  That’s easy.  I’ll mix a little of Aiko’s black box test plan with Horace’s’ white box test plan to get my very own gray box test plan.

[MANAGER]:  Your cube is over there.

[NEW GUY]:  The one with all of the gray boxes stacked around it?

[MANAGER]:  Yes.

                          

Source

When old dogs don’t learn new tricks, they get put to sleep.  This is probably the best career advice I can give you.  Put these words on your t-shirts, bumper stickers, and bum tattoos.

As our careers gracefully mature like a fine wine and French cheese, intoxicating but smelly (the French), we naturally tend to put our emphasis on work experience rather than formal education.  If I already have a degree and I’m working, then why do I need to go back to school?  Good question.

A few months ago I decided to pursue a certification in CompTIA Security+.   For security, there are many kinds of certifications, including CISSP.   I know that there are some of you out there who think that these kinds of  certifications are big waste of time and money, but I also know of many companies and government agencies that require them for hiring.  Let me highlight the advantages:

• It’s a requirement.  Your job opportunities have now expanded.
• You will learn something new.  How bad can that be?
• It’s a kind of proof to show that you have a least baseline knowledge of security.  It doesn’t mean that you’re an expert, but at least it’s a verifiable way that you studied computer security fundamentals or a least that you’re a good test taker.
• You can use your certifications to cover the drunk-punch-holes in the walls of your trailer.

The economy is getting so bad these days that even McDonald’s has downsized its Supersize meals (comedic drum roll).  Companies have modified Tuckerman’s stages of group development of forming, storming, and norming to forming, storming, and reorging (comedic drum roll).  You feel helpless as management passes you around like a pack of cigarettes in prison.  For some, this may not be a bad thing, but for others, think of these certifications as tiny little picks that will help you tunnel your way through the walls of your cubicle to freedom.  I will let you know how it goes.

Finally, if you are an old dog and you can’t learn new tricks, then you should retire immediately.

                          

[INTERVIEWEE]:  I would adjust the hands to see …

[INTERVIEWER]:  Wrong!  It’s a digital clock.

[INTERVIEWEE]:  Oh.

[INTERVIEWER]:  How would you test a fan?

[INTERVIEWEE]:  I would make sure that the blades move by turning the fan on and off.  I would …

[INTERVIEWER]:  Wrong!  It’s a Dyson Fan.  It doesn’t have blades.

[INTERVIEWEE]:  Oh.

[INTERVIEWER]:  How would you test a printer?

[INTERVIEWEE]:  I would put paper in it to see if it prints something…

[INTERVIEWER]:  Wrong!  It’s an experimental 3-D printer developed by MIT Media Labs.  It doesn’t print on paper, it prints out material, like tiny buildings.

[INTERVIEWEE]:  Oh.

[INTERVIEWER]:  Are you seeing a pattern here with my line of questioning?

[INTERVIEWEE]:  Yes.  I think so.  Never make assumptions.  Always ask questions first.

[INTERVIEWER]:  That’s partially true, but I’m really here to embarrass you.  Oh, and just to let you know, we’re not actually hiring.  Just because we invite you here doesn’t mean we’re hiring.

[INTERVIEWEE]:  I guess I should have asked that question too.

[INTERVIEWER]:  Yes.  Have a good day, Mr. Anderson.

Photo Source

                          

A French restaurateur, Jean Sulpice, once said that lobsters are like people.  They have facial features similar to humans and they both taste delicious served as bisque. Any savvy French manager knows that even though lobsters actually feel pain, they can’t scream when being boiled because they have no vocal chords.  I know this to be true firsthand, but can’t talk about it for fear of the career guillotine.

Photo Source